Couples who share the same line of work need not necessarily be troubled with ego hassles and conflicts. They can, on the contrary, have wonderful, mutually fulfilling relationships, writes Renu Dhole

Deepti Harshvardhan lives in New Jersey with her husband Niraj and travels to Chicago for work every week. They have, what is called today, a weekend marriage. “My parents and in-laws back in India feel I’m not being a good wife. How can I leave my husband all by himself, they ask me. Initially I used to feel guilty. But then I told myself — men have been doing this for ages, so what the hell! And fortunately for me, Niraj belongs to the same profession. He knows my ambitions and my need for self-fulfillment. Sometimes, when I have to stay back in Chicago to meet deadlines, he understands,” says the 28-year-old software engineer.

Many women like Deepti, who have hectic career demands, have met with this advice — ‘Take on a lighter job, take a break from work, reconsider your priorities’ — at various stages of their lives, especially after marriage or childbirth. But times have changed. There’s clearly a gap between what women want today and the traditional expectations from them. In such a scenario, many women are finding the strength to go their own way, to follow their heart’s pursuits, from the men in their lives — men who belong to their field of work, who share their goals, who understand their routines. It is, surely, time to reevaluate the age-old belief that couples in the same profession make for bad marriages.

Understanding absences

“See, this belief or prejudice, I should say, arises from the fact that women were considered to be tied to the idea of domesticity. Even if they had jobs, their mainstay was the home. So, if a woman has the same ambitions as the man, who will take care of the home? The idea that the man too can take on that responsibility was practically absent. That has changed. And thank god for it,” Dhruvashree Dandge tells us. She is a doctor who’s currently working and studying in Australia along with her husband Abhishek. “Look around and you’ll see most doctors marrying doctors. It’s easier to have a life together when you know each other’s absences from home, emergencies, and everything that comes with being in the medical profession,” she adds. Dhruvashri and Abhishek have a two-year-old child. “I took a break for about six months —when the baby really needed me. I was back to work after that. And Abhishek doesn’t mind changing nappies, attending to the baby’s needs when I’m not at home,” says Dhruvashri.

But take the gender factor out of it, and you still have the recipe for a marriage of absences. How does the companionship blossom if both the partners have equally stressful jobs, if both don’t have the time to nurture a relationship? “When you want to make it work, you make time for it. And is there any guarantee that if the woman is a housewife, the couple will be happier? In fact, it’s very likely that the partners are out of tune with each other’s needs,” feels Dhruvashri.

There are more advantages than disadvantages of being in the same profession as your spouse, feel many. “Since my wife and I are in the IT field, neither of us had to explain each other the meaning of “Late night client call”, “Product Release” or “Product Upload”. Both of us understand that these kinds of words mean more dedication for work than family. As an IT professional, I too understand the meanings of an ‘onsite opportunity’. My wife is currently on site and I perfectly understand her career needs at this stage. So in all, the best part is that both of us share the same dictionary, and we hardly have any jargons that would cause conflicts,” says Vishal Adsool, who works for the Harbinger Group, Pune.

But what about ego issues? Obviously, everything isn’t hunky dory. The difference in salaries, opinions and goals, could well be conflict areas for some. “But I think couples who go for this kind of format are more magnanimous people, in general. They don’t have much room for trifle ego hassles, and so on. This kind of a relationship demands flexibility in terms of role playing, priorities and sharing of responsibilities. The husband and the wife are on an equal footing. It’s only after one has had that kind of a ‘mental training’, maturity and understanding to accept these terms that one should go for this format, I believe. Otherwise, simply don’t go for it,” says Ritika Tikoo, co-founder of Either Or, a store in Sohrab Hall. Ritika, who neither discourages nor promotes this ‘format’, strongly advises a clear demarcation of professional roles for spouses sharing the same work space.

Practical benefits

There are, of course, practical benefits of having a spouse who belongs to your line of work. “Since both Tushar and I are into fitness, I don’t have to cook separately for both of us. Imagine if he would demand fried or rich food, I’d have to cook that and my calorie-conscious diet!” jokes Sanyogita Ramanan, GM, Branch Head (Pune) Anytime Fitness. Sanyogita is married to fitness expert Tushar Ramanan. “On a serious note, there are larger rewards of being in such a relationship. The professional growth for both the partners is much higher. Both of us benefit from each other’s experience. Since our goal is common, and we understand each other’s problems, decision-making becomes much easier. There’s greater co-ordination, greater sharing and well, it’s amazing!” says she.